Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Grace

I seriously feel like I blinked and a year went by.  The saying that time goes by faster as you get older is so true.  Today I spent my entire day at home with my family and it was wonderful, except for a little headache that tried really hard to ruin my day.  I had a wonderful opportunity to focus on what I want to change about myself during the next year.  Hmmm, sadly so familiar.  How many resolution lists have I made  that are a whole page long?  Too many!  So this year change is NOT what I want.  I am  a rare person that adores change.... we have moved 8 times in our 16 years of marriage and mostly because I get bored and need a project.  Usually a house is the creative outlet I choose.  I have lamented that truth because I am criticized plenty for it.  Guess what.... our house is for sale now.  We live in a beautiful farmhouse that was truly my dream home when we built it 4 and a half years ago.  So why are we selling?  I have realized I would rather an amazing life than an amazing house and I am finally getting past caring what my critics have to say about it.  During the past few years I have discovered that since I was around 18 years old I have lived my life for others.  This is no one's fault but my own, but I am on a path that is focused only on pleasing God and luckily my family is totally on my side with this.

My first step was quite controversial, a few summers ago I had my nose pierced.  This was by no means a rebellious act, my husband was all for it and my kids were okay with it too.  I had been wanting to do this for 20 years and it suddenly dawned on me in Taos, New Mexico that I was old enough to make that decision for myself.  You may think that is ridiculous but let me tell you it was the first step to liberty for me.

My nose ring.  
So I am making one resolution this year....... to knit a prayer shawl.  If you knew how tightly I am wound you would know how difficult that little task is.  I sit by the fire and knit and feel all the tension in my body focused on making this thing perfect and it is so far from being.  I need to let the tension go and accept imperfection in myself.  Years ago when I got married and became a stepmother I was so focused on being a supermom that I had to go to counseling because it was causing me so much stress.  It took years for me to let that go and I am constantly feeling the draw back to that person, yet I refuse to go.
Prayer shawl.  I have been working on this for 5 days so I'm guessing it will take me the whole year.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.  Thankful for my daughter in law for teaching me to knit, I am not an ideal student.
  I look around at the material things that I love so much and they are all very old, paint is chipped, and many people would think they are garbage.  But I see the value, because they contain sentiment for me, because I love them.  Well this year I will see myself the same way.  Perfectly imperfect because God loves me.  No one expects more of me, I happen to be blessed with a husband that lets me cry about the same old hurts that I have cried about for the last 16 years.  He never says "get over it" because he knows I'm working in that direction.  I am truly a blessed woman!

A table I love simply because it is so imperfect.

This is a sign Mike bought me that is 100 years old.  Reasons I love it... yes I am Mrs. Green but in my mind my mother in law is the original, what an amazing woman.  Another amazing woman is my mom whom happens to be a tailoress extravagant, unbelievably talented.  This sign symbolizes the two women I love most. 

Mike bought me this for Christmas a few years ago.  I saw it in a gallery and it made me cry when I read it.  I know it's a little crazy but hey so am I.  This is what it says......There are things you do because they feel right & they make no sense & they make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & eat each other's cooking & say it was good.

This is the trunk my mom stored our pictures in when I was young.  


He is blinding proof for me that God loves me.  I do not deserve his love but it's still there.  True evidence of the grace I am so desperately in need of.  Thank you JESUS!

1 comment:

  1. So I totally understand where you are coming from when you finally realized you were old enough to make the decision to pierce your nose...I quit my church choir after 20 years! When I realized that I could do it bc I am 32 and can make my own decisions even if its not what everyone else thinks I should do:) Your right! It's completely liberating!!! Now I can be in the crowd just like I have wanted to for years!

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